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Momar’s Day // 1 Week

It feels impossible to believe that I’ve lived in this world without my mother for nearly three weeks. As I wait for this baby to arrive, I’m trying to pass the time, moment to moment, and not let the feelings of sadness and impatience and anger and fear overwhelm me. And so I’m sharing a slew of cheesy photos because that is giving me some joy this particular Saturday morning as baby happily knocks around inside my belly with no signs of vacating imminently. (Although at this point, we’ll surely meet her/him soon).

A week following my mother’s death, we staged the first of many “Momar’s Days” to celebrate and remember and reflect on some of the fun, silly, quirky things that made Momar Momar. The girls dressed in their Valentine’s Day outfits that my mother had gifted them but never got to see them open or wear, and their furry jackets that she’d sent in a recent package of baby clothes. We drank frosty beverages from Starbucks with extra whip before indulging in pedicures and treating the kids to a shopping excursion at T.J. Maxx. This is how Momar spent the Saturday before Valentine’s Day morning, and while it may seem trite and simple, it was a healing, distracting adventure for our family.

9/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Grateful that my mother’s spirit lives on so strongly in her namesake.
Kaki: She can sense when I’m feeling sad or my mind is elsewhere. She responds by cradling my face in her palms and simply looking into my eyes until I refocus on the moment and her. The wisdom and tenderness of children is astounding.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

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“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: On Sunday, she spent hours in her bedroom coordinating a “surprise” for me. On the door, she hung a sign that read “CONSTRUCTION. DO NOT ENTER.” When she was finally finished, she let me inside to behold walls and surfaces covered in pictures and love notes and words all about me and Momar. I didn’t know my heart could possibly feel so full and broken simultaneously.
Kaki: She appeared in my room the other morning while I was still curled up in bed, with just a hint of sunlight streaming into the space and my hair swooped across my forehead, and whispered, “Hi, Mama. You look so much like Momar right now. I think she’s here with us.” Always, baby, always.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

7/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

A reflection of parenting through grief, and supporting young children through grief. Devastatingly, I feel this will be a theme of this space and this particular project for some time to come. But I want to hold on to these moments with my children and remember their clarity and sensitivity of thought. Their perspective on such loss. I am clinging to memories of my mother on their behalf and nurturing their own. The grief I feel is not just for myself, but more deeply for my children and all that they’ve been cheated of in the loss of their Momar who was the most loving, present, over-the-top grandparental figure in their lives. They have lost so much. And they’ll never fully understand the magnitude of that having never had the chance to know her in all the ways her adult loved ones did. In my darkest moments, I’m furious that it was her and not someone more insignificant in their lives. But when I see through the fog, I remember that she is everywhere. Always. Forever. In each of us. Especially them. And they are ever a reminder of that.

Sunny: On the night of her death, Sunny reflected that Momar was in heaven, which dwelled in her heart. She was thinking of Momar doing her favorite things: “She’s shopping for clothes and dolls for me and Kaki. And speaking French to her students.” I found her crying later that week and she told me that she was missing Momar’s “squishy hugs,” and that no one could hug her better than Momar. “I need a Momar hug now, but she’s gone.” So James piled some down pillows on his chest to semi-emulate my mother’s robust bosom and enveloped Sunny in an immense bear hug. We’ve been simulating “squishy hugs” ever since. They’re not the same. But the act of trying to replicate my mother’s warm, expansive embrace brings a smile to our faces.
Kaki: One night, she overheard me weeping about how my mother will never get to meet this baby. She plodded into the room and said, “But Momar did meet the baby. Because she loved the baby and bought clothes for the baby. And I’m going to tell the baby all about how much Momar loved her. All the time.”

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

6/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Blocks and that floor map are everything right now. I love the way the girls want to learn more about the world thanks to that piece of foam on the floor.
Kaki: Building a shelter for her Tsum Tsum Pluto with support of Hanna Banana and Auntie Kimmy. 

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

One Month (and counting)

One month from today is my official Guess Date for this little one’s arrival. While battling a hideous cold turned sinus infection, slash the onslaught of a particularly gross round of conjunctivitis, I’ve been spending my days in bed looking at old photos and videos of when the girls were first born. It makes me all the more excited to welcome that squishy, Mr. Magoo face into our family in a month or so.

The girls excitement is particularly wonderful. They attended a “Sibling Class” at the birthing suite of the hospital with a L&D nurse this weekend. They learned to diaper and swaddle and hold a newborn, and talked about life with an infant in the house. They also got a tour of the facility where Courtland was born and this little one will arrive. I think it helped Courtland, particularly, who has been rather nervous about what is going to happen when I go into labor.

Admittedly, they’re both curious. Sunny asked me after school yesterday if I was nervous to have this baby born. I explained that I wasn’t nervous, per se, but that there was always some anxiousness about birth, as I have absolutely no control of when baby decides s/he wants to arrive. It could be in two weeks or six. It could be in the middle of the night or the middle of the grocery store. It could be lightening fast or long and hard like her birth.

Birth has definitely been on my mind and I’ve been revisiting not only my own experiences but those I’ve witnessed since. I am wishing and willing for an experience more in line with Courtland’s than Sunny’s, but recognize that this babe and I will go through something entirely our own. And I do not get control or say over when or how it happens, only in how I respond and react in the moment. I’m trying to not overthink or dwell too much, as it does me no good. I’ve got a wonderful birth team assembled – complete with James, a doula, a birth photographer, and Kaki’s Fairy Godmother who is stepping up because in all likelihood my sister will not be able to be present for this baby’s arrival due to her teaching schedule. She was by my side for the girls’ births – and I know the comfort that I personally find in being surrounded and supported by people I love and trust during those vulnerable, powerful moments of birth. While I hope this one is speedy like her 2nd born sister, I’m preparing myself for whatever comes our way.

And I am so looking forward to those early hours where I first get a glimpse at the wide-eyed gaze of this new little life and person. Making all these months, and particularly these final weeks, of discomfort and inconvenience, well well worth it.

Here are the girls in their first hours of life when we got some legit face time with their sweet mugs and those wide eyes.

Sister to the Rescue

Yesterday, Courtland came home from school devastated because her light up wand had broken when she slipped on some ice. James and I had little luck calming her hysterics.

Through some sisterly sixth sense, Sunny had a book she’d written titled “Courtland and Ramona” at the ready, along with a picture she’d drawn of Courtland and a snack she’d saved from school for little sister because of its purple packaging.

Sisterhood, man, it’s thebombdotcom.

Portrait of Parenthood // 2

Sunny’s pink eye raged on. Courtland’s seal bark wouldn’t quit. The Gummy Bear’s bum rested squarely on a nerve. And so we holed up in bed, with two furry black beasts for company, and the antics of a one Ramona Geraldine Quimby for entertainment. And it was the kind of mundane yet comforting afternoon that made us feel like we were doing this right, despite sickness and contagion and discomfort, that this was the life we were choosing and loving. And we didn’t need or want to be anywhere else but here.

Of note! We changed the arrangement of our bed so that I don’t have to do my most dramatic beached whale impersonation every time I need to pee (which is quite often, think hourly, these days). Also, there’s now room for the co-sleeper to be affixed to mama’s side of the bed once baby does arrive. Bring on the switch from hourly urine evacuation to hourly breast milk expression. Oh the bodily fluids of this stage of life!

Valentine’s Prep // 2016

Given our weekend quarantine thanks to contagious eyes and aggressive coughs, we spent Saturday morning prepping our classroom Valentines. As has become tradition, we turned to Minted for the girls’ cards.

^^ Sunny selected a puppy-themed card (ever the dog-lover and our future veterinarian (or so she claims right now)).^^

^^Courtland was immediately taken with the purple egg cards. Her favorite color paired with a nod to our backyard flock? Eggscellent, indeed.^^

^^We also ordered corresponding stickers to seal the envelopes – a perfect task for our preschooler who wasn’t quite ready to write her friends’ names herself (she can read them all, but she’s still learning how to write her letters).^^

^^I particularly loved the option to add a Tic-Tac-Toe board to the back of their cards this year for a little something extra special. ^^

^^They also wanted to give little presents with their cards, so Courtland opted for sparkly bouncy balls and Sunny for heart-themed bubble wands (thanks to Michaels for easy, small gifts).^^

^^After much writing, licking, sealing, stickering and assembling, they are ready for exchanging with friends!^^

Order Minted classroom Valentines here. And check out Valentine’s Day prep 2015 and Valentine’s Day prep 2014 (when Sunny was Kaki’s age! Oh hashtagonslaughtoftime!).

Shop more Minted Classroom Valentine’s here.

5/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Her hair has grown out enough that she’s back to being my living doll. Only so many more years (months?) when she’ll tolerate (dare I say enjoy?) having her hair styled by her mama. We got in the Valentine’s spirit before prepping this year’s cards for our friends at school. Also, this photo hides the raging case of pink eye that she contracted from her little sister. It just won’t quit. Courtland was hardly affected by it, whereas Sunny’s eyes are weeping yucky, gross awfulness that seals them shut multiple times an evening. We’re going on day five of this filth despite a regimented dose of antibiotics.
Kaki: Meanwhile, this kid’s winter seal bark is back thanks to a cold so it’s next to impossible for her to sleep at night. Most of yesterday evening was spent lathering Vicks on her chest and feet and turning the house into a tropical rainforest to try to give her some relief. Her very sour mood is the unfortunate result of this cough.

We’re all feeling sleep-deprived and disgusting. And, I am feeling so dang grateful that we cancelled our trip to California, given that we would have been managing all this illness from a hotel across the country. Sometimes things happen for a reason. We’ve been able to spend the past two weekends hunkered down at home, napping, watching movies, reading stories, knitting, and prepping the house for baby. We’re too gross and cranky for public consumption, and what better time than cold January days to be forced to stayed holed up at home.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.