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“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

A reflection of parenting through grief, and supporting young children through grief. Devastatingly, I feel this will be a theme of this space and this particular project for some time to come. But I want to hold on to these moments with my children and remember their clarity and sensitivity of thought. Their perspective on such loss. I am clinging to memories of my mother on their behalf and nurturing their own. The grief I feel is not just for myself, but more deeply for my children and all that they’ve been cheated of in the loss of their Momar who was the most loving, present, over-the-top grandparental figure in their lives. They have lost so much. And they’ll never fully understand the magnitude of that having never had the chance to know her in all the ways her adult loved ones did. In my darkest moments, I’m furious that it was her and not someone more insignificant in their lives. But when I see through the fog, I remember that she is everywhere. Always. Forever. In each of us. Especially them. And they are ever a reminder of that.

Sunny: On the night of her death, Sunny reflected that Momar was in heaven, which dwelled in her heart. She was thinking of Momar doing her favorite things: “She’s shopping for clothes and dolls for me and Kaki. And speaking French to her students.” I found her crying later that week and she told me that she was missing Momar’s “squishy hugs,” and that no one could hug her better than Momar. “I need a Momar hug now, but she’s gone.” So James piled some down pillows on his chest to semi-emulate my mother’s robust bosom and enveloped Sunny in an immense bear hug. We’ve been simulating “squishy hugs” ever since. They’re not the same. But the act of trying to replicate my mother’s warm, expansive embrace brings a smile to our faces.
Kaki: One night, she overheard me weeping about how my mother will never get to meet this baby. She plodded into the room and said, “But Momar did meet the baby. Because she loved the baby and bought clothes for the baby. And I’m going to tell the baby all about how much Momar loved her. All the time.”

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here