Highly Attuned
A package from a kid’s clothing company arrives at our doorstep. Courtland, eager to see the contents inside and knowing that her Momar always includes something for all her grandchildren, immediately tears into the wrapping.
Inside she finds silky soft cotton infant nightgowns and cozy footed baby jumpers. She then arrives at two fuzzy, furry white jackets, sized appropriately for her and her sister. The look is the stuff of a well-styled and fashion-forward Pinterest kid (think: Quinoa). I find myself wishing for one in my size.
Courtland eyes it skeptically, however.
Do you want to try it on? You can wear it to school today if you’d like.
No, thank you.
Ok. Any reason why not?
Mommy, I think my friends at school might tell me I look funny if I wear it. It’s different. I’ll just wear it at home.
I find my heart crumbling. I know that my children will face insecurity and judgement/criticism by their peers, but I thought it’d be when they hit those tumultuous tween years of puberty and hormones and awkwardness. A time when everyone is uncomfortable in their own skin and projecting insecurity on others. Not at age 4 in a preschool classroom.
Courtland has always been acutely aware of social dynamics, sharing stories of who is friends with whom, and who plays well or doesn’t play well in her classroom, and navigating how she fits in among her classmates.
She’s also highly attuned to how others around her dress and present themselves, and then turns that own lens on herself. She notices if I’m “fancy” or put extra effort into dressing myself in the morning.
Just the other day she said, “Mommy, I like your outfit.” I wanted to understand what she was noticing about the way I was presenting myself and prodded, “What do you like about it?” She responded, “Your earrings are fancy and your hair looks nice. Do you have meetings today?”
I, in fact, did have meetings that day, and it is indeed true that I tend to put in more effort to my outfit/styling/morning prep when I know that I have meetings with someone other than my computer screen on the agenda. How shrewd of her to make that observation – but it also teaches her that I tend to get “fancy” on days when other people will be spending time with me, as though I am dressing for others, and not myself. An important reminder for me as a parent and role model. It’s important that I teach her that I also sometimes dress-up just for me, for no one else’s gaze.
With that in mind, I tried to tackle the furry jacket conundrum later that day when she got home from school.
Kaks, do you like the furry coat? And does it make you happy to wear it?
Yes, it’s so soft and fuzzy, like I’m a teddy bear.
Well, if anybody says anything not nice about your coat you can just tell them that, and tell them that it makes you happy. I can’t promise you that no one will say anything negative, but you can just explain why YOU like it so much.
Okay, Mama, I’ll try.
So she wore the coat to school, and has worn it a number of days since. When I asked her if anyone noticed or commented on her coat, she relayed that her teachers had said she was so snuggly but that her friends hadn’t said anything.
I don’t think anybody really liked it, Mama. But that’s okay, because I really like it.
Now I just need to keep reinforcing that message with her because it will only get harder with age and peer pressure and social norming, particularly for a kid who is so attuned to those things, to resist the urge to conform and lose her own sense of style/happiness. And it’s a reminder for myself to do the same.
Also? I really need to get back in to accessorizing the way this kid does. Such flair and fun!
