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Pregnant women should not be allowed anywhere near Google.com when they are given “abnormal” test results related to their fetuses.

I am that pregnant woman who is irrationally playing Google doctor and ugly crying.

A month ago, when we learned that we were expecting a baby girl, we were asked to come in for another ultrasound because the doctor was not satisfied with the pictures of the Sesame Seed’s kidneys. We had the second ultrasound yesterday, and my midwife called me to this morning to tell me that it appears that one of her kidney’s is mildly enlarged.

And we need to do further tests.

At that point I’m pretty sure that I blacked out from panic and came to scheduling a 3 hour appointment with some doctors at Dartmouth that will walk us through genetic consultations and super snazzy ultrasounds to try and get a handle on what might be the problem. If there even is a problem.

I know my midwife told us that it is probably nothing. That she recently delivered a baby that had been labeled as having marked (as in SEVERELY) enlarged kidneys, and when the baby was born, everything was normal and fine.

But that probably is K-I-L-L-I-N-G me.

James, per usual, is as cool as a cucumber and has been reminding me that A. Stressing about it only adds stress on the baby, so I need to bitch be cool, and B. As my midwife said, there is nothing I can do about the situation except keep on keeping on.

I don’t know if there is anything more infuriating than telling a first born, Type A personality that she cannot control something. Especially when that something is living inside her body. I’m her mother, I should be able to do something, anything, to help. And yet, I have to just move forward and cross my fingers that it’s nothing.

I could use a hug.

And physical removal from my computer screen and some xanax might not hurt either.