Her: Mommy, I want to be a Daddy not a Mommy when I grow up.
My stomach lurches. My mind races.
It jumps from personal insecurities about my own motherhood…
Is it because her Daddy spends more time with her than her Mommy?
Is it because her Daddy rubs her back whenever she requests it and her Mommy doesn’t have the patience?
Is it because her Daddy knows how to quiet her fears in ways that her Mommy just can’t figure out?
Is it because her Daddy plays hide-and-seek for hours on end while her Mommy abstains?
To broader cultural structures of power and privilege…
Is it because she thinks daddies are more fun than mommies?
Or worse, because she thinks daddies have more power and control than mommies?
To identity, sexuality and gender-constructs…
Does she want to be a boy? In her mind, is she a boy?
I take a deep breath, resisting the urge to impose my own assumptions and reactions on her innocent statement.
Me: If that’s what you want, sweetie, you can be a Daddy when you’re a parent. But can you tell me why you want to be a Daddy not a Mommy?
Her: I don’t want to grow a baby in my belly and push it out of my vagina. I think that would hurt.
Aha! The pitfalls of being so honest and transparent about all things biological.
Me: Okay, well, you know, you can still be a mommy without pushing a baby out of your vagina. You can adopt a baby or child and become a mommy.
Her: What does adopt mean?
Me: It means that another woman makes the baby in her body and pushes that baby out of her vagina, but that she isn’t able to be the parent or mommy, so you decide to be that baby’s parent.
Her: Oh, well then I want to be a mommy, but I want to be a mommy that adopts her baby.
Me: That’s really lovely sweetie, and you can do that, but you don’t have to worry about that for a little while. You still have lots of time to be a kid.
Her: Can I breastfeed my baby if I adopt her?
Me: It’s more complicated if you don’t make the baby in your body, but you can do some work with your doctors so you could breastfeed an adopted baby. It wouldn’t be easy, but you could do it.
Her: Work like on a computer in an office like you and Daddy do?
Me: No, more like physical work, like when we pull weeds in the garden and it makes your body tired. It’s complicated, but you could use a breast pump and take medicine and make your body create milk, even without growing the baby inside you. Or you could use a bottle and formula. You would get to decide.
Her: I really want to breastfeed my baby, mama. I can do hard work. And I can be a mommy. And I can adopt a baby and breastfeed my baby.
Me: Yes. Yes you can. And you’ll be an amazing mommy. But for now, let me be the mommy and you the kid, okay?
Her: Okay, so can you please rub my back, Mama?
And so she falls asleep to the touch of one floored and loving Mommy.
