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Mommy! Hold me!

A flurry of tiny limbs scramble across the couch and into my arms. Her face presses desperately into the nook of my chest, shielding her eyes from the dragon on the screen before us.

The girls are experiencing Sleeping Beauty for the first time, my favorite childhood Disney movie. While I have many conflicted emotions about our society’s “princess culture,” I’m not one to withhold it from them entirely.

Everything in moderation. A balance of Princesses and Legos (gender neutral ones at that), Goldie Blox and PlayMobiles.

It’s okay, baby. Momma’s got you.

I stroke her hair, aware of the profound impact human touch has on my youngest. She who reaches for my hand during long car rides, and insists on back rubs to welcome slumber, or needs soothing embraces for comfort when frightened or upset.

My feisty, strong-willed, stubborn, independent, opinionated baby needs our affection just as much as her tender-hearted older sister.

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I tend to highlight the differences between my daughters, showcasing their distinct identities and personalities. They are not the same, they are their own independent people, despite the facial structures, hair color, eye shade, and towering statures that forever shall link them as siblings.

But they are so much more alike than I ever give them credit for in this space. I was writing an email to Sunny’s Fairy Godmother this week and found myself discussing these similarities and thought it was worth sharing here, as this is ultimately a space that I hope the girls will experience when they’re older to better understand themselves, their childhoods, and their mother.

Sunny can be reserved and soft-spoken. Shy. But when comfortable, she exudes the same wild spirit and energy of her baby sister. And Courtland, while in the safety of our home, our family, is vibrant and loud. Fearless. However, in the classroom, in new places, with foreign faces, she retreats inside, silent, reserved, a shell of her natural state.

When Sunny began preschool, James and I worried about her hesitant, quiet disposition among her peers. We weren’t surprised by this behavior, as both James and I were shy children in school and we’d observed Sunny’s more reserved side. (Yes, I was a shy, even QUIET, child – I know! Amazing what growth and confidence can do for a person). We worked closely with her teachers to help overcome this shyness, as she was allowing herself to be lost in the bustle of the classroom by shutting down and keeping to herself. We suggested small group play, one on one attention from her teachers whenever possible, reading books, singing songs and playing games that were beloved in our home. It took nearly two years, but now that Sunny is in her final year of preschool, she has come into her own. She is animated and vibrant in the classroom, among her peers, with her teachers and other adults.

We had a parent-teacher conference in January to talk about Sunny’s progress and readiness for the next big step, Kindergarden (I’m getting misty just writing the word!). How assured and happy we were to hear her teachers express a true confidence and delight in our daughter’s abilities. They spoke to how ready she is for kindergarden. How she is such a curious child, interested in reading and sounding out words even though that’s not the focus of preschool. They mentioned that she’s not afraid to ask the teachers for help when she is having trouble, which brings us such comfort as we want our children to always push themselves and challenge themselves but never be too proud to ask for guidance or support. They also spoke to Sunny’s quiet independence. They said that she’s really comfortable doing her own thing. She’s not swayed by the peer pressure of the classroom – her friends may all be playing dress up and she’s very content to turn down their offers to be included and play independently (usually at the art table – she loves loves loves painting and drawing with all her heart) but she also engages in group play and is kind and sensitive with her peers. These are really affirming and heartwarming things to hear. If I wish anything for my children it’s that they feel comfortable and confident being who they are and following their interests/passions without insecurity about other people’s expectations of them – that coupled with a natural curiosity and thirst for learning will lead to a fulfilling life – and what could be more wonderful for a parent to envision for their child! Given that she was not always so comfortable at this school, it’s really REALLY rewarding to hear that she’s navigated that discomfort and is now a very happy and engaged participant in her classroom. And that she is clearly beloved by her teachers is icing on the cake.

It’s funny, we thought Courtland would be the opposite – outgoing and intense and passionate in school the way that she is at home – but, as it turns out, she is far more like her sister than I often verbalize. Kaki has had a challenging adjustment to school, and not in the ways that James and I thought that she might (i.e. overwhelming the classroom with her passionate, vocal demands). The teachers claim that she is one of the most shy, quiet children that they’ve ever encountered. In the beginning, she refused to talk to anyone and was reserved and disengaged in the classroom. She was visibly unhappy but would not articulate her needs or participate in the games around her. James and I have been working really closely with her teachers to overcome these challenges. Teachers have worked one on one with her and in small groups – they make an effort to sing her favorite songs and read her favorite stories to get her engaged during class – and James and I talk about school A LOT at home to get her excited about going each day. We’ve seen HUGE improvement. She is excited to go to school now – no tears at drop off and even excitement to run into the room. She talks to her teachers and is the first kid in the room potty trained and isn’t afraid to ask for help in the bathroom. While I am thrilled by the improvement, it was so so hard as a parent to think about my child, who is so outgoing and intense at home, being completely shut down at school. It broke my heart because that is not at all her natural state. While her passionate side can be challenging, it also has many positives. I’d rather she be comfortable being fully herself than an easy, shy kid. Fortunately, we have made so much progress on that front. But, the bottom line is that parenting is tough – if not the physical demands, but the emotional! You just want to see your kids happy and thriving – and it’s heartbreaking when they’re not.

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I feel my own heart rate slow and any tension leave my brow as she sinks into my breathing and we relax into the weight of one another.

I love you, sweetie.

I love me, too, Mama.

While she thinks that she is telling me that she loves me, too, it brings a smile to my face to see her pronoun misuse. What could be more important than loving oneself? That is perhaps the most significant love I can teach my children, no matter their similarities and differences.