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WARNING: The following post contains discussion about menstruation. In addition to being a topic that effects, has effected, and will effect more than half the population, it is definitely not a foreign topic for readers of this blog. However, I understand that many are still quite uncomfortable when I discuss womanly bodily fluids, so navigate away… now… quickly, before I go into graphic detail about the crime scenes I’ve been staging in my bathroom ever since I stopped breastfeeding.

Oh, and maybe put that sandwich down.

Now that I’ve cleared the room, let me start by saying WHAT IN GOD(DES)S’ NAME HAPPENED TO MY BODY AFTER I BIRTHED BABY NUMBER TWO? My cycle has gone from a period to an ellipse. I’m now an easy prop for a horror movie, what with my ability to expel enough blood monthly to recreate the Carrie prom scene on the regular. Substitute the slaughtered pig for my Aunt Flow.

The spirit of Halloween is clearly impacting my metaphors. And, wow, even I’m grossing myself out. It’s THAT bad, people.

Ever since I stopped breastfeeding Courtland, I’ve been horrified by the amount of effort, worry, and proactive and abundant cotton I’ve required to manage this monthly event. Day two and three are the worst, and I would rather spend those two days rocking the postpartum mesh undies and hospital padding than attempt to control the flow with the laywoman’s drug store stock. I sleep on ratty dog towels at night for fear of destroying our mattress due to inadequate protection. I BUY THE SUPER FLOW GOODS! I DOUBLE BAG IT (tampon+pad)! I even tried to reintroduce the Diva Cup, but that left me literally up to my elbows in evidence of my overactive cycle and poor menstraul management skills.

What. The. Flow?

I am begging – nay pleading with – my female comrades to share any pearls of wisdom on how to remediate this situation. I’ve talked with my midwife and I am hoping to give the Mirena 5-year IUD a go (assuming it’s covered by my health insurance. Verdict forthcoming!). I no longer want to have to think about birth control when the mood strikes, and I certainly don’t want to go back to having to think about it daily by using the pill – and, best of all, this IUD claims to “treat heavy periods.”

Oh please let it treat heavy periods! I can’t help it if I have a heavy flow!

Have any of you used Mirena? Thoughts? War stories? Any other ideas for remedying this new female milestone I’ve confronted? Any fellow postpartum mamas with a similar tale?

Every month, while I’m striking The Captain’s pose to avoid living out my 13 year year old nightmare of wandering around with stained, spotted clothing, I’m reminded that my male colleagues don’t have to waste their time worrying about this shit before a staff meeting.

One more hurdle for women and one more pass for men. And yet, one more reason why women excel in the multitasking front. WE ARE SUPERHEROES WITH ABUNDANT COTTON PROTECTIVE SUITS! Hoo-rah!