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The thought of starting a family is overwhelming. Period.

The thought of welcoming a second child into the family is comparably overwhelming, but for very different reasons.

In many ways, it’s easier. More relaxed. There is less anxiety the second time around.  I’m not shocked by the changes happening in and to my body. Instead of spending hours pouring through maternity books, I’ve paged through a handful in a halfhearted effort to refresh my memory. I know what I want for my labor and delivery, and thanks to first hand experience, am more aware of the things I will advocate more strongly for or let go by the second time around. I’m armed with all of the “equipment” (i.e. STUFF) that I could possibly need for postpartum life with baby. The swing, the nursing bras, the breast pump, the nipple shields, the burp cloths, the belly band, the onesies, the breast pads, the baby carriers, the Boppy, the rocking chair, the swaddling blankets, and, most importantly, a healthy dose of experience and perspective.

I’m also so very aware that I cannot control this process, or control the events of my delivery, so I’m not wasting as much energy trying to control my body and this baby through education and research. I’m keeping myself healthy through food, exercise, sleep and relaxation. Beyond that, I’m trying not to impose undue stress on myself and our family worrying about every little detail of the experience.

On the flip side, I worry every day about how I will be a mother to two. I feel like I am finally getting a handle on mothering one, and now we’re about to welcome a total wild card into the mix.

Before conceiving The Sesame Seed, I stressed about whether or not I wanted to have more children. I knew intellectually that I did. Not only do James and I adore being parents, but we both recognize the absolute beauty of growing up with siblings. Our parents each gave us the greatest gift in the world by bringing siblings into our families, and we could not imagine not giving the same to Addison.

And yet…

How could I possibly have the energy to mother two children well, when I find myself struggling for reserves with just one? How could there possibly be room in my heart to love TWO people with the same fervor and intensity with which I love Sunny?

My mother keeps reminding me that although it may seem impossible, you just do. Your heart doesn’t make room, it just expands and grows in ways you could never imagine. I don’t have to give up any of my heart that is filled with love for Addison to make room for a second baby, but rather understand that my heart will grow an entirely new capacity for loving her sibling.

I have to trust my mom and every other parent to multiple children that affirm her sentiment.

What has been most overwhelming has been my worry about how Addison will adjust to life with a brother or sister. When I say she is the center of our Universe, she is really and truly the center of our Universe, and her grandparents’, and her aunt’s, and our friends’, and all those that share in her life. She gets their undivided attention and love, and we give it easily and willingly.

That will not be the case when the Sesame Seed joins the household. And I worry. Will she be resentful? Jealous? Hurt? Will she stop being the sweet and caring little girl because we throw her life into total turmoil? And what if I can’t balance two, and she gets pushed aside? And I’m not able to help her process this immense change? What will happen to my precious firstborn?

I can’t help but ache for her in the transition she is about to face, and can only hope that James and I have the wherewithal to help her through it.

But then, there are these glimpses of the absolute magic that we are about to experience as she becomes a big sister. We’ve begun trying to explain my ever-growing belly to her, and with that, I see why, despite all these worries, bringing another child into our household is one of the best decisions James and I could make for our family.

Yesterday, we lay on our bed, hands draped across my belly, feeling the baby squirm and move around as a family of four. James leaned over and kissed my stomach and said “Hi, Baby,” and Sunny, without missing a beat, did likewise.

My eyes are welling with tears just reliving the magic of that moment. Of that sweetness.

She is already the most incredible older sister. The Sesame Seed has no idea how lucky s/he is.