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I received a phone call from a very well-intentioned (extended) family member today who had delved in and read some of this blog. She reached out to me, concerned that some of the contents within might have damaging repercussions for my career, and even James’. I have a great deal of respect both personally and professionally for this person, and know how difficult it must have been to pick up that phone and confront me on this uncomfortable topic.

If you see some posts are missing, it’s not that they’re gone, it’s that I’ve made them private. I meticulously went through every post I’ve written in the past year and a half and made decisions about which should be privatized.

I did this not because I am ashamed. Or embarrassed. Or have any misgivings about what I have written on this blog. My family, my boss, my coworkers, my friends, and most importantly, my husband have all been given access to this blog and are aware of its contents and have encouraged and applauded my honesty. My ability to write about things that most people experience or think, but are too afraid to say because of the way our Puritanical, conservative American culture perceives those that talk about things that are determined to be “private.”

As women, so much of our second class status in society and the history of our oppression has been due to the very privatization of our lives. To be told that talking about sex, and childbirth, and menstruation is ‘private,’ ‘inappropriate,’ and ‘not fit for public consumption,’ THIS has been what has helped keep us trapped from the public eye, from leadership, from knowledge into the very experiences that make us who we are. Because apparently who we are is too private to be shared in a public forum.

I will not pretend that my career and the opinions of those who will give or deny access to the path I hope to take are not a part of this culture of privacy. They are. Very much so. And that is what this family member was bringing to my attention. And that is why I have taken down certain posts. Because until I am in a position where I am either gainfully self-employed, or secured in my dream job, I cannot risk my future employment and the welfare of my family on the contents of my personal blog.

However, I am in no way, nor will I ever be, ashamed to have shared what I have in this space. It was suggested that I paint myself and James in a negative light. I denounce that notion. If someone else wants to place judgment on the lives we lead because I talk about our sex life, that is their prerogative, but guess what, we’re in no way unique to be a couple, GASP! ‘being intimate.’ And the idea that I present James negatively I find alarming. If anything, I treat James in this blog in the most sensitive and thoughtful of ways. I never share the contents of our deepest conflicts, or most challenging struggles as I do believe that there truly are things too private for public consumption. The details of my life that I want to share with a select few, that are too vulnerable to be opened up in a public forum. It may not seem like it, but I censor myself every day with this blog for the sake of my family and my own emotional defense.

But things like sex, bodily fluids, menstruation, breastfeeding, pooping, etc? Every single one of us is here because people had sex. Every single one of us is here because a woman brought us into this world, and that’s because she menstruates! Why are things that are so universal considered so taboo? So untouchable? So dirty and open to judgment? I have pushed back on that notion with this blog. And while I am now going to be more sensitive to the repercussions of my writing from a purely professional standpoint, I personally am proud of what I have said and done in this space. As women, we deserve to be heard. As a society, we deserve to hear from them.

It was said, “Don’t write anything that you wouldn’t want plastered on the front page of the ‘Wall Street Journal.'” While I think the Journal has an audience that would definitely be shocked by what I have to say and probably supremely unlikely to publish my writing, I would be HONORED to have ANY of what I have written, experienced, lived, and shared to make the headlines of any newspaper.

But if this blog was making headlines or I were making headlines, then I’d have advertisers banging down my door … and wouldn’t that be a wonderful problem to have.

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this. I am struggling to find a balance that feels comfortable, and in the vein of honesty that I have held true to this blog from Day 1, I am itching to get some feedback.

*** Read the follow-up to this post here ***