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I imagine that my dealings with the SUPER NIPPLE are comparable to what life would be like if the Bug didn’t LOATH pacifiers (binkys? fufus?) and rocket them across the room when ever offered in an attempt to sooth her cries.

A GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS, that’s what.

From the beginning, the nipple shield has been a proverbial thorn in my proverbial side. Not only does it draw extra and unnecessary attention to my bare breast (I can just hear a parent trying to explain to their traumatized child that I am not an alien with a JUMBO clear nipple who’s come to earth to poison babies with my alien milk), it often is pushed, launched, THROWN off my person and onto the filthy floors of our dog-hair-ridden home or worse, public restrooms or even the dirt of a nearby lawn if nursing en plein air (yeah, just call me a flanurse rather than flaneur). The hassle of tending to the dirtied nipple shield while managing a hungry babe is anything but pleasant. I see why parents just shove that binky in their mouth and then offer it to their child, all, hey, if it’s clean enough for me!

In the middle of the night, the shield became a particular hurdle as James and I both fumbled around half-awake with the light of the iPhone to try and position synthetic nipple onto human nipple and then guide our little naked-mole-rat to the motherload. If I’d forgotten to put the nipple shield by the bedside table, minutes of precious sleep would be lost trying to locate a CLEAR object in the pitch black house. A fun game we came to call, WHERE’S SUPPER NIPPLE?

And the most frustrating aspect of this particular device was the gallons of my own bodily fluid that would get POURED all over my person whenever Addison decided to pull off the boob (read: FREQUENTLY). The shield would pool with milk, and then, SPLASH, Bug and I would share a mutual milky shower. Further sticking us together in a very literal sense.

Well, folks, today is the day that we may officially bid farewell to the SUPER NIPPLE! The Bug and I have conquered nursing au natural- and I could weep with joy from this development. OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN REVOLUTIONIZED! I no longer have to panic every time I leave the house with baby and forget the shield. Starvation or making mommy’s life miserable will no longer be a repercussion of such forgetfulness. I need not fret about cleansing and keeping track of that sneaky bugger. And I’ll sleep AT LEAST an extra 5-10 minutes a night, and yo, when you’re netting meager hours, minutes are comparable to centuries.

Today we shall hold a ceremonial burning of the nipple shield. Or perhaps I’ll just let Ursa chew it to bits the next time she gets her slobbery paws on it, something we’ve come to anticipate with some frequency.

Actually, those suckers are $8 a pop, so I’ll scurry them away in case any future children similarly struggle with my anatomy (or lack thereof).

Now we’re off to play in our baby pool. A necessary addition to our lives thanks to this insufferable HEAT! Maybe I’ll whip out a boob and nurse in the pool, because GUESS WHAT?! I can!

NATURAL NIPS, FUCK YEAH!