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10/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: “I never want to stop holding him. He smells so good and I just love him so much.” And it’s true, she hasn’t wanted to put him down. She positively adores him. Not that we’re at all surprised.
Kaki: She loves to pick out his outfit for the day. She and Sunny meticulously lay out each piece in his bassinet, and eagerly help dress him when he’s awake. She is adapting so well to her role as Big Sister. While she’s still a busy four-year old, it’s amazing to see her tenderness with her little brother.
Sander: Such a sweet, mellow, snuggly little babe. He reminds me so much of Courtland as a newborn – with all those wrinkles and that grumpy old man face. But his personality is so similar to Sunny’s disposition at this stage. Relaxed, easy to sooth, peaceful. Such a gift given all that’s going on with me. He is such a gift.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

9/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Grateful that my mother’s spirit lives on so strongly in her namesake.
Kaki: She can sense when I’m feeling sad or my mind is elsewhere. She responds by cradling my face in her palms and simply looking into my eyes until I refocus on the moment and her. The wisdom and tenderness of children is astounding.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

8/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: On Sunday, she spent hours in her bedroom coordinating a “surprise” for me. On the door, she hung a sign that read “CONSTRUCTION. DO NOT ENTER.” When she was finally finished, she let me inside to behold walls and surfaces covered in pictures and love notes and words all about me and Momar. I didn’t know my heart could possibly feel so full and broken simultaneously.
Kaki: She appeared in my room the other morning while I was still curled up in bed, with just a hint of sunlight streaming into the space and my hair swooped across my forehead, and whispered, “Hi, Mama. You look so much like Momar right now. I think she’s here with us.” Always, baby, always.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

7/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

A reflection of parenting through grief, and supporting young children through grief. Devastatingly, I feel this will be a theme of this space and this particular project for some time to come. But I want to hold on to these moments with my children and remember their clarity and sensitivity of thought. Their perspective on such loss. I am clinging to memories of my mother on their behalf and nurturing their own. The grief I feel is not just for myself, but more deeply for my children and all that they’ve been cheated of in the loss of their Momar who was the most loving, present, over-the-top grandparental figure in their lives. They have lost so much. And they’ll never fully understand the magnitude of that having never had the chance to know her in all the ways her adult loved ones did. In my darkest moments, I’m furious that it was her and not someone more insignificant in their lives. But when I see through the fog, I remember that she is everywhere. Always. Forever. In each of us. Especially them. And they are ever a reminder of that.

Sunny: On the night of her death, Sunny reflected that Momar was in heaven, which dwelled in her heart. She was thinking of Momar doing her favorite things: “She’s shopping for clothes and dolls for me and Kaki. And speaking French to her students.” I found her crying later that week and she told me that she was missing Momar’s “squishy hugs,” and that no one could hug her better than Momar. “I need a Momar hug now, but she’s gone.” So James piled some down pillows on his chest to semi-emulate my mother’s robust bosom and enveloped Sunny in an immense bear hug. We’ve been simulating “squishy hugs” ever since. They’re not the same. But the act of trying to replicate my mother’s warm, expansive embrace brings a smile to our faces.
Kaki: One night, she overheard me weeping about how my mother will never get to meet this baby. She plodded into the room and said, “But Momar did meet the baby. Because she loved the baby and bought clothes for the baby. And I’m going to tell the baby all about how much Momar loved her. All the time.”

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

6/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Blocks and that floor map are everything right now. I love the way the girls want to learn more about the world thanks to that piece of foam on the floor.
Kaki: Building a shelter for her Tsum Tsum Pluto with support of Hanna Banana and Auntie Kimmy. 

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

5/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Her hair has grown out enough that she’s back to being my living doll. Only so many more years (months?) when she’ll tolerate (dare I say enjoy?) having her hair styled by her mama. We got in the Valentine’s spirit before prepping this year’s cards for our friends at school. Also, this photo hides the raging case of pink eye that she contracted from her little sister. It just won’t quit. Courtland was hardly affected by it, whereas Sunny’s eyes are weeping yucky, gross awfulness that seals them shut multiple times an evening. We’re going on day five of this filth despite a regimented dose of antibiotics.
Kaki: Meanwhile, this kid’s winter seal bark is back thanks to a cold so it’s next to impossible for her to sleep at night. Most of yesterday evening was spent lathering Vicks on her chest and feet and turning the house into a tropical rainforest to try to give her some relief. Her very sour mood is the unfortunate result of this cough.

We’re all feeling sleep-deprived and disgusting. And, I am feeling so dang grateful that we cancelled our trip to California, given that we would have been managing all this illness from a hotel across the country. Sometimes things happen for a reason. We’ve been able to spend the past two weekends hunkered down at home, napping, watching movies, reading stories, knitting, and prepping the house for baby. We’re too gross and cranky for public consumption, and what better time than cold January days to be forced to stayed holed up at home.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

4/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: Blocks and building and master planning have been a fixation of late. On Saturday, the girls spent all morning filling our living room with an epic block city. And on Sunday, marble maze construction (courtesy of Sunny’s FGPs on her 2nd Christmas – gosh where has the time gone!) was all the rage. I love seeing where their minds take them and how their make-believe unfolds. We have blocks from my father’s childhood mixed in with more recent sets, and it’s clear to see why it’s such a timeless toy.
Kaki: She got sent home from school on Friday afternoon because preschoolers are gross and pink eye is crazy contagious. While at the pediatrician’s to get eye drops, the doctor discovered a small rock lodged in her ear. The four year old had no awareness of this obstacle, and claimed that it was not her doing. Regardless, it took six adults to restrain her and flush out said rock thanks to the resulting hysteria and fear of the water pick. Both mom and preschooler were equally traumatized from the scene that unfolded. And then she slipped on some ice on Saturday and now has an enormous goose egg on her left temple. Kid can’t catch a break. But we managed to get some pretty wonderful smiles and giggles from her this weekend despite all the physical maladies.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

3/52

2/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: If you really get her laughing, her eyebrows crinkle up just so and it absolutely steals my heart. The little girl I used to babysit for in California had a similar expression at this age – the delight of a first grader. I love the satisfaction of truly knowing that I’ve said something funny or ridiculous or particularly entertaining.
Kaki: She was invited to a birthday party this weekend that included a performance with a clown. Upon hearing that news, she requested to stay home and help James clean the chicken coop and dispatch of two mean roosters rather than face a clown in person. Apparently, the clown in “Inside Out” has made a less than favorable impression. We compromised, and agreed to show up to the party late so as to just enjoy the cake and ice cream and games following the clown. James was left to Cartwheel farm duties solo, though it’s clear his VT kid will gladly help him in that regard one day when she’s older and it’s more appropriate.

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

1/52

“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: She received a Cat’s Cradle in her stocking this Christmas and it has kept her absolutely transfixed all winter break. She’s already managed to master Jacob’s Ladder, a feat I conquered much later in middle school. Who needs fancy technology when you’ve got a round of string with which to entertain yourself?
Kaki: Looking very much like a big kid, like the big sister she’ll become this year. Last night, she looked at me very earnestly and said, “Mama, I don’t know how the baby is going to get out of your belly.” I explained the mechanics, as James and I have agreed to be as honest about the biology of all of this stuff while trying to keep it age appropriate. Her eyes got wide and she said, “But, Mama, I have to tell you something else. I don’t know where my vagina hole is. Do I have one, too?” Oh biology with preschoolers. 

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.