Blog a la Cart

Hi, Mom,

I know you’d be proud of what I accomplished this weekend. I hate that I don’t get to share it with you. That I didn’t have you calling and checking in and cheerleading me throughout the process. There’s no one in my life that does that the way you did. Perhaps the most stunning experience since your death as been confronting this painful reality. In losing you, I lost my biggest fan. And no one will ever champion me in the ways you did. No one will so boldly and confidently believe in me the way you did. I’m having to learn to be my own best cheerleader. It’s lonely sometimes. But I’m finding ways to hear your voice and reassurance when I am most in need of affirmation. And to really take in the positive words and encouragement from other loved ones and my community when I receive them. It’s not nearly as frequent and as unabashed as a mother’s love, but it’s important too.

But man I missed a phone call from you this morning and the ability to gush and debrief and revel in the achievement.

During Saturday’s yoga class, one of the instructors said, ““Each morning I ask myself how I’m going to change the world. But I also ask myself how I’m going to make sure the world doesn’t change me.” And those words really struck me. In a surprisingly emotional and intense way.

So simple in meaning, and yet, they’ve been rolling around in my head ever since. I realize it is because it is not just what’s happening in our country and the world that I’m fighting to keep from breaking me. It’s the death of you, my mother, and the resentment and anger and heartbreak that brings that I’m working actively, everyday, to resist. While I will ride the waves of negative emotion that grief undoubtedly brings, I never want this experience to turn me into someone I’m not. Bitter. Distrustful. Resigned. Defeated. I want to ensure that this world, this experience, doesn’t change me, but instead makes me stronger and more boldly who I am. While you aren’t here to cheerlead for me, your death has forced me to rise to the occasion and do it for myself.

Undoubtedly that is why yoga has become such a central and important part of my daily life. How poetic and cheesy and fucking true.

“Because there’s beauty in the breakdown…”

143 Your Ashley