Blog a la Cart

Month: April, 2016

Easter // 2016

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Easter was incredibly bittersweet. James and I tried to do our best for the kids, but we were so very tired and I was so very sad to not be with my mom and family as we were last year. But we decorated the house, and filled baskets, and the Easter bunny hid eggs. The day was positively gorgeous, so we went on a long walk and then dyed eggs out in the sunshine. James, Sander and I even squeezed in a nap while the girls watched a movie. But the late afternoon and evening found me agitated and weepy, so I retreated to my bedroom for some space. Meanwhile, James and the girls pulled out Momar’s good, good china and set a fancy table, and I rallied for an Easter supper with these beloved people of mine.

Holidays will now always have this stinging absence, but we’ll learn to weather them and find happiness and beauty in spite of the loss.

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13/52

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“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016.”

Sunny: We’ve been taking many family walks on the weekend to spend time all together and bask in the sunshine and fresh air. Sure, it’s muddy and the dogs get disgusting, but it’s always a highlight regardless. Sunny is desperate to learn how to skip a stone. Regular practice has commenced on our neighbor’s pond while the dogs, particularly Gladdy, swim with glee. (Also? Sunny looks like she could be 13 in this photo. She’s growing so so fast!)
Kaki: Speaking of growing too fast, Courtland had Kindergarten information night last week at the local elementary school. While she’ll be the youngest in her class, she is beyond ready. When she arrived home, she burst through the door with a bag filled with books and declared, “THAT WAS THE MOST FUN EVER!” Oh, she’s ready. (I don’t know if I am – how can she be a Kindergartener!?)
Sander: This isn’t really a portrait of Sander, but it sure is a portrait of the love his family feels for him. (My heart just about explodes witnessing James as a father of three. He was made for this role.)

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here

Sanderling // Four Weeks

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Today, Sanderling is four weeks old. And I could write a tome about the onslaught of time, and how quickly his newborn stage has flown, but instead I’m going to curl right back up on the couch with my baby pressed against my chest, inhaling all that infant sweetness, and living in the moment with him, because that is the best way for me to enjoy and remember.

I have really and truly found myself settling in to moments and finding peace in the way time moves with a newborn. We accomplish so little by every day standards, and yet our days are full of so much. So much love, and bonding, and connection, and learning. And I am grateful for every second in the face of my grief. I’ve spent less time recording it, and more time being present for it.

One day I’ll write his birth story. Or share our pictures from Easter. Or write more about my mother and my grief and our life in The After. But maybe I won’t. And that’s okay, too. I’m willing gentleness on myself, as it is what I need most of all.

In these photos, Sander is wearing a French outfit from my babyhood. I wish my mother could have seen this little “mouton” in what she chose for her own babies 30 years ago. I wish for so many things, but am finding comfort in what I do have in the face of all those unfulfilled wishes.
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