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earest Courtland Whaley,

Thinking back on the month of August two years ago, I remember that desperate feeling of wanting you here. In the outside world. In my arms. With us. Here. I would roll over in the middle of the night, your wild, vigorous kicks and punches from within hinting at your feisty personality, and whisper to your Daddy that I just wished that you would arrive. I wanted my youngest daughter here. With me. In the world. Here.

When I think back on your birth, I remember muttering those very words, as though a mantra to help get me through the contractions. I would rock, and moan, and repeat over and over, I just want her here. I want her here. I want her here. I knew that each wave of pain brought me that much closer to your arrival. To your being here. I could manage the pain if it meant it would bring you to me. If it would bring you here.

My first words upon your arrival were just that. As my midwife placed you in my arms, I babbled, Oh my god, you’re here. You’re here. You’re here.

Your presence, your physical existence, your being here, was all that mattered. It was all I needed to fall hopelessly, unconditionally, forever in love with this wonderful, wild, wacky little girl. Your being here has made all the difference. It has brought so much love, and joy, and perspective, and patience, and wonder to our family.

I just need you here. That is all I need. You, my Whaley girl, with me.

This month you learned to say I love you, and you stammered it to me as I left for work the other morning, unprompted, without my initiating the words of affection.

I will remember the way it made me feel always. I will carry that feeling with me through all the ups and downs still to come, and know that you, my Wacky Kaki, bring a sense of peace and purpose, like the eye of a hurricane, that has changed me forever for the better.

Happiest 2nd Birthday, my darling.

I love you, always. Thank you for being here.

143 Mama