Blog a la Cart

Month: July, 2013

Fairy Godmother

Last night, I sat cross legged on the floor of our dimly lit guest room paging through a pile of wedding albums. I let myself be consumed by those images of love and celebration, of the faces of all my favorite people in the world, from all different stages in my life, joyous and together. I let myself relive that most incredible weekend from nearly five years ago – truly the most fun I have ever had, the happiest three days of my entire life. As I paged and remembered, I felt the anxious gnawing pit in my stomach dissipate. The nauseous, nagging sensation I’ve carried with me for the past week melted away. Even if only for a few minutes, I felt a sense of peace and happiness wash over me and was so stupidly grateful to be able to reflect on such beautiful, precious moments.

Yesterday was another day of devastating news. I was once again rendered helpless and shocked, fragile and broken. My heart aches for my own Fairy Godmother, the reason Sunny and Kaki have such women appointed in their lives. The woman who loaned me baubles for prom and my own wedding day, who outfitted my first post-collegiate apartment with an adorable and gloriously superfluous set of espresso and dessert sets, who gifted my daughters their first true “gowns” as mere babes, and who hosted the brunch following my wedding day, atop a mountain, for farewells and reflection. The woman I can count on for over-the-top, feminine, gorgeous everything. My Fairy Godmother Jayne. And my heart aches for my baby brother who’s lost his best friend, Jayne’s son and only child, a fellow Wesley. One can never repair or heal this level of loss. We can only move forward in spite of it, in spite of all the ugly, in hopes of more moments like this.

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I am clinging to memories like this and trusting that the future holds more. Trusting that if I survive this scary, ugly stuff, there is this level of light and love on the other side.

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In the meantime, thank the sweet baby Cheez-its for therapy and pharmaceuticals. I have a wonderful support network, and am getting the help I need on many fronts to survive these trying, scary days. Thank you for bearing with me as I wade my way through the murk.

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“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013.”

Sunny: Water Rat #1
Kaki: Water Rat #2

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

Summer in the Poconos

I don’t really know how to keep posting in the way I once did after the week I’ve had, but there are experiences and images from my life Before that are sitting as drafts, waiting to be shared. So I will share them. And as I piece myself back together, I’m sure I will figure out how things look and feel in the After.

It’s hard to believe that three weeks ago we were on a relaxing and sunny family vacation in the Poconos. There was swimming and boating and fishing and lake lounging and reading and s’more making and fire building and porch rocking and all the stuff that a summer is made of. We are headed back there now to find some relief in the woods, to give me a break from the anxiety and panic I now feel in my own home as night descends, and to give Ursa what we fear may be her final hurrah at the lake. While her spirit is high, we had a scary moment with her mid-week and are preparing ourselves for the inevitable goodbye. But we’ll enjoy every tail wag and stick fetch she has left in her. And we will continue to heal as a family and be grateful for these moments.

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Month 23

My sweet, wild, paradoxical Courtland Whaley,

You are nearly two full years old, and while I can barely believe that so much time has passed since your arrival, I’d wager that every stranger you meet assumes that you are nearly a full year older than your actual age. You are not only bigger than all the children in your classroom at school, you’re also taller than all the kids in the classroom above that. You level out with the three years olds. I am not exaggerating in the least.

I’ve worried that since you often choose to express yourself, um, physically, you might be causing some issues for your teachers and peers. They assured me, however, that you refer to all of your classmates as your babies and attempt to mother them accordingly. We see such affection at home frequently and it is the much needed antidote to your flails and kicks and hair pulls. I don’t even want to mention your biting because omg that shit is not happening and yet it has and James I are horrified but then you follow it up with sweet baby snuggles and STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD KID!

And seriously, no more biting. Not cool. Not cool at all.

It’s clear that you are a physical kid. Whether hugging or hitting, human contact is central to how you operate. I’m convinced that this is because your language is far behind where your sister’s was at this stage, and so you are unable to verbally communicate and must resort to touch and physicality. I’m not worried about the language, it’ll come when you’re ready. You understand what we say to you and you are hyper-observant, methodically taking in your surroundings or observing how your sister plays or how your mommy and daddy are communicating. There is no lack of thought or emotion or understanding, just a rather premature handle of the English language. But, that will come, and in the meantime we’ll delight in your “Ma-mee” and “Dah-dee” and “Dis-der” and “Whyyyyyy.” And we’ve all mastered the appropriate blocking technique for your flailing limbs when you’re rendered frustrated by us not understanding your points and babbles.

In a bout of what some might refer to as a regression, you’ve taken to riding in the Ergo, front carrying. You point at the carrier, demanding “backpat,” and then pat on your tummy with both hands like jolly ol’ Saint Nick. It’s your way of ensuring that I put it on properly so that you and I are squished together, face to face. The feel of your body pressed against my chest with your arms scooped under your chin or draped up by my neck have saved me this week. And, well, I’ll happily carry you in the Ergo even after your feet drag on the ground. I don’t mind one bit.

I love you with all my heart, (not so) Little One.

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Exhale

My mom is out of the ICU, recovering slowly but surely.

I now just need to get over my fear of the dark. Sunny is teaching me all about resilience. And I am forever grateful for that. For so very many things…

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Trauma

In the early hours of last Monday morning, I was welcoming new life into the world. In the early hours of this Monday morning, I was saving the life of the woman who gave me mine.

Despite the trauma, I am just so grateful. That she’s alive, that I was there to help, that she was here visiting us and not alone at her house, that my brave 4 year old was with her when it happened and warned me and James. Sunny is her namesake’s guardian. And had to grow up light years more than I’d wish for a preschooler (this feels ironic, written mere hours before the emergency). She was so brave. She was a helper. She saved her Momar’s life. And waited by the window for the ambulance.

Mommy, I’m looking for the ambulance. They’re coming to help. They’ll help Momar. I’ll tell you and daddy when I see the lights.

I’ll take the trauma I’m feeling and seeing in the eyes of my little girl over the unrelenting devastation our family would have experienced had she not been here, had Sunny not been by her side.

There’s so much healing to be done, but we are all safe now. My mom is healing in the ICU. We are safe. Safe.

I keep whispering these words to myself to calm my shaking hands, to wipe the images from my mind, to make sense of the nonsensical.

I saved the life of the woman who gave me mine, and I will never be the same.

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“A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013.”

Sunny: Tonight she told me that she wished that she were a grown up (so that she wouldn’t be scared of things like ants and the noise her air conditioner makes) and my heart nearly split in two. I held her close and told her that it was okay to be scared and that being a kid was one of the greatest, most wonderful times of her life. I explained that watching her and her sister play on the Slip n’Slide that afternoon had reminded me of my own childhood and made me happy thinking about my life as a kid. I just want her to be a child as long as I possibly can – the world will try to take it from her far too early – my job is to keep it at bay and perserve this precious time. Even if it means indulging an ant-phobia.
Kaki: My adventurer. So brave one minute. So needy and snuggly the next. I don’t mind in the least. 

More details about The 52 Project here. To view all the portraits in the series visit here.

Elias

These past two weeks have been a wonderful, intense whirlwind. Celebrations, vacations, time with family, new life, new perspective… I’m still processing and making sense of it all. I came home last night, thrilled to be home with my family, and yet totally overwhelmed. I had a sleepless night, followed by a much needed and forced lazy morning at home with a feverish Courtland. That was exactly what I needed to ground myself back into life on the farm.

So many stories to tell… these images and this experience are at the fore of it all. What a privilege to capture the beginning of new life… James will help me tell the story much better with song and a sense of timing that is truly magical. For now, a few of my favorite stills from the day that Elias arrived. So much love and gratitude to Sunny’s FGPs for including me in this incredible time.

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mini Boden // style

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The girls are so lucky to have a loving great-grandmother in their lives. One who delights in shopping for adorable outfits and cuddly stuffed animals and playful toys. She lives in the Poconos, so we spent some time visiting with her and the girls’ great-grandfather during our recent vacation. These mini Boden ensembles were gifted and then I died from cute overload. So I’m posting from the after-life… clearly.

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The poster children of mini Boden’s adorableness? I’d say so! Cover-ups here. The hats are not listed on the website, but I couldn’t believe that the girls liked wearing them. Hats are typically not a welcome accessory on either cranium. But they sure round out the summer look.

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You can find the swimsuits here and here. That ruffle bottom? I can’t even…

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Oh I can hardly stand how cute they are together! I am so very lucky to have them.

7/8/13

Today I watched one of my dearest and best friends become a mother.

Today was amazing.

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