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Last night, I sat cross legged on the floor of our dimly lit guest room paging through a pile of wedding albums. I let myself be consumed by those images of love and celebration, of the faces of all my favorite people in the world, from all different stages in my life, joyous and together. I let myself relive that most incredible weekend from nearly five years ago – truly the most fun I have ever had, the happiest three days of my entire life. As I paged and remembered, I felt the anxious gnawing pit in my stomach dissipate. The nauseous, nagging sensation I’ve carried with me for the past week melted away. Even if only for a few minutes, I felt a sense of peace and happiness wash over me and was so stupidly grateful to be able to reflect on such beautiful, precious moments.

Yesterday was another day of devastating news. I was once again rendered helpless and shocked, fragile and broken. My heart aches for my own Fairy Godmother, the reason Sunny and Kaki have such women appointed in their lives. The woman who loaned me baubles for prom and my own wedding day, who outfitted my first post-collegiate apartment with an adorable and gloriously superfluous set of espresso and dessert sets, who gifted my daughters their first true “gowns” as mere babes, and who hosted the brunch following my wedding day, atop a mountain, for farewells and reflection. The woman I can count on for over-the-top, feminine, gorgeous everything. My Fairy Godmother Jayne. And my heart aches for my baby brother who’s lost his best friend, Jayne’s son and only child, a fellow Wesley. One can never repair or heal this level of loss. We can only move forward in spite of it, in spite of all the ugly, in hopes of more moments like this.

I am clinging to memories like this and trusting that the future holds more. Trusting that if I survive this scary, ugly stuff, there is this level of light and love on the other side.

In the meantime, thank the sweet baby Cheez-its for therapy and pharmaceuticals. I have a wonderful support network, and am getting the help I need on many fronts to survive these trying, scary days. Thank you for bearing with me as I wade my way through the murk.