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This evening, James and the girls flew south to visit his parents. I had planned to join them, but after Ursa’s diagnosis, we shuffled things around. Assuming Ursa’s spirit stays elevated, I’ll meet up with them on Friday morning, just in time for Sunny’s 4th birthday party in a tree house (FOUR?! WHAAA?!?!) and then we’ll drive to Davidson for James’ babiest brother’s graduation (he’s the oldest of four boys). Amazingly generous and nurturing friends will stay at the farm with Ursa and Hanna and tend to all the high maintenance cancer-care.

We seriously could stock a veterinary pharmacy with the spread we have lined up on our shelves. Ursa is having a Pavlovian response (in a not way) to peanut butter since we’ve been using it to give her the eight babillion pills required daily. She sees the jar and goes running. She’s extremely picky about what she’ll eat, so tonight I was in doggie chef mode, boiling chicken, cooking brown rice, and steaming vegetables (particularly sweet potato) to create a mushy mash of healthy stuff for our girl that will agree with her tummy. After another day of not eating (although plenty of spunk and interest in playing fetch and running around outside), she devoured two bowls full of the “stew” (as our vet calls it). I’d feed her caviar and fois gras if it meant she’d keep thumping that tail and perking up those silky ears whenever I enter the room.

I was feeling particularly anxious all day with James’ impending departure. It’s always a strange thing to be without my family, particularly in my own home, a space that is so typically filled with chaos and noise. While I expected that I’d lie around, inhaling the 80 lbs of Trader Joe’s snack food I picked up while I was in Albany for the airport drop, miserable and lonely, I’ve been consumed with cooking and laundry and picking up the tornado that blew through in our efforts to get those three out of the house. It would seem that I’ll have to save eating my feelings for another evening.

Thank goodness Ursa is doing so much better, as I think that that has been the root of so much of my anxiety. I don’t want to face any devastating decisions without James by my side. Here’s hoping for a smooth couple days until we’re all back safely on the farm.