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Alright, fine. We won’t ever see James sporting a tiger tuxedo, but I wouldn’t put it past the man to rock a killer cow-spotted blazer.

So, what really differentiates an Eph from a Princetonian, save the dominance of orange or purple in one’s closet?

Princeton? Williams? Yale? Amherst? Those of us who attended any of these elite, private institutions could certainly debate the “cultural” differences between a Yalie versus a Lord Jeff, but when it comes down to it, we’re representative of a small percentage of people who had access to that kind of education.

A fellow Eph (and ironically the woman who introduced me and James (and is also married to an Eph-man)) forwarded me this article from the Daily Princetonian. It’s made the rounds this week through the media, but if you have not given it a read, I’ll wait…

So yeah, Courtney and I were in a glass-cage of emotion. The feminists in us issued a collective groan and sigh of disgust. I’m pretty sure Betty Friedan rolled over in her grave. I heard the thud.

I’m not saying anything new when I comment on the sexist, generalist tone of her argument. And the nauseating unease I experience when I read her thoughts.

And yet, I couldn’t shake the lingering thought… what if she’s right?

I mean, here I am, married to a fellow classmate from my own elite, ivory-tower. And I have many many friends in a similar situation. In fact, the majority of my adult friends are from Williams. There’s something to be said for shared experience, values and intellect.

But then Patton claims:

Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal.

And yuck, gross. But, um, also true. Which is probably why it feels extra gross. Because what Patton does in her letter is call out some of the disturbing, skewed realities of marriage in our patriachal society.

And herein lies my issue with her advice. She lays out these sexist realities, but then, instead of encouraging a change in the system, she preaches a way for women to adapt within it. A Here’s the way it works – so make it work for you mentality. 

And to that I say, HELL NO!

It’s reminiscent of when we tell women to not wear short skirts or “suggestive” clothing to avoid getting raped. That’s accepting rape culture and teaching women to function within in it, instead of confronting the ugly realities of it and addressing the very root of the problem. Yes, it’s a complex problem, but it doesn’t mean we should just accept it as is and learn how to “cope” within its problematic realities.

I was angry that Patton, a smart, savvy, educated woman, would so willingly accept the reality of these imbalanced relationships and marriages in our society and ask fellow smart, savvy, educated women to do the same.

So yes, there’s something to her argument. But instead of encouraging women to accept this notion that she must catch a man of the same intellect, who’s older than she is, before it’s “too late” – she could have spoken to women AND men about the merits of finding an equal partner. Someone with a shared value system and outlook on life. She could have spoken to the value of marriage being rooted in meaningful, balanced partnerships, for both men and women.

James and I have a strong, healthy marriage because of our mutual respect and admiration for one another, not because of our shared obsession with bovine decor and purple apparel and the name of the institution attached to our diplomas. What we want to teach our daughters is that they should look for partners that challenge them, respect them, and share common values. And we’d do the same for our sons. Stressing that they need not marry someone from Alma mater like mom and dad, or someone of the opposite sex, or at all. In 2013, I’d hope we all could be more nuanced and balanced about how men and women approach their personal and professional lives. And recognize that where one goes to college (if at all) does not determine intelligence, class, or grace. Something Patton has clearly demonstrated to us all this week.