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One of the only times I miss having a TV in our home is during award season and the Westminster Dog Show. You think I’m kidding? In another life, my mother and I are going to come back as Beatrice the Weimaraner’s owners.

Go back to the hotel and get busy bee! GET THE BEE! Don’t look at the fat ass losers and freaks, you look at me!

Related: If you have never seen Best in Show, it’s time you remedy that. Immediately.

The Oscars were always a big deal in the Ulmer household, from the red carpet, through the entire ceremony, no matter how long it dragged on. My father and I would shed copious tears over speeches like this and this, and I based my prom dress in ’99 on Gwyneth’s pink frock.

But this year, based on what I’ve read and seen in the Oscar 2013 post-mortem leaves me grateful that I missed the scene entirely. In all honesty, I didn’t even know who Seth MacFarlane was, and when I read his bio, was none surprised to learn that the show was one big sexist stunt after another. I found this New Yorker post worth a read. And this BuzzFeed round up.

Let’s get Tina Fey and Amy Poehler up there next year. Bring Ellen back! Or how about just having an award show that doesn’t tear down and denigrate half the people it is trying to honor? Now THAT’s a crazy idea.