Blog a la Cart

Thought.

The title should really be Thought(s).

1. I purchased a super versatile slash comfortable black jumper that I have worn everyday this week, and intend to wear tomorrow. It’s like a game. How can I make the outfit distinct each day and get away with wearing it 7 days in a row?

2. On that note, I also went 5 days without washing my hair. That’s pushing it. I seriously need to invest in some dry shampoo. I could grease a baking sheet the size of Texas with my scalp. Gross.

3. Zumba is a wonderful reminder of why I should be Kegeling, daily.

4. I will be sure to teach my daughter the following things: 1. To kegel, 2. How to write a proper apology letter, 3. To not wear white to another woman’s wedding. Critical life lessons.

5. One of the greatest joys is watching Sunny interact with my parents. And having my parents cook, shop, clean, babysit, diaper change, and keep me company. I don’t know how I’d survive without them.

6. My dogs are so weird. Loveable. But weird.

7. Re: #6: I guess that’s pretty standard if you’re going to be a member of the Cart/Ulmer fam.

8. March is the suckiest month of all. You hear me, March. That’s a challenge. Buck up and give us some warm, sunny days! I don’t care about you and your leprechauns and basketball and spring breaks. GIVE ME SUN! GIVE ME 60 DEGREES!

And that is all. For now.

My Armor.

The staleness of her breath mixed with the powder fresh scent of baby soap lingered in the air, and with it, every cliche.

No one ever prepares you for the dependence you have on your children. The desperate yearning for their comfort in the face of your own insecurity.

The reality is that in order to protect her, I must first protect myself. And she is part of that armor.

The velvety touch of her hair and the tenderness of those baby fingers shield me when confronted by those unworthy of energy or concern.

As always, thank you, my daughter.

One day I hope to be your shield.

Sunshine.

What an arty little chick-a-dee.

Obsession.

Sunny, per usual.

Thought.

Sunny is working on her posed studio portrait look. Simultaneously angelic and creepy.

Annoyance.

The weepies.

Obsession.

The only thing better than a weekend with Auntie Dev in The Berkshires is a weekend with Auntie Dev in The Berkshires AND February Thanksgiving. Double win!

21 Months.

My Sunny,

You really are just that. Our sunshine.

You wouldn’t nap today. You lay shrieking and babbling and stomping and thumping and playing in your crib. I came in to encourage you to close your eyes and rest, and you asked, “Mommy rock Sunny?”

How could I resist such a request?

I scooped you into my arms, blanket in tow, and we retreated to the rocking chair. Typically, your head is slung over my shoulder, but today I cradled you like I did when you were once small enough to fit comfortably within the two crooks of my elbows. Your legs dangled across my lap, your head pressed against my chest with the blanket perched atop your head like Mary’s veil. You sat peacefully, those blueberry eyes gazing right into mine, and then you’d break the biggest smile and nuzzle my nose and laugh with much delight at your own silly antics.

Moments like that make every sleepless night, every gray hair from your newly learned tantrums and crying fits, every turd-infested bath time, every food covered floor, totally and completely and irrevocably worthwhile.

We went on our first walk since the winter weather descended upon New England. It was slushy, and riddled with puddles and the ugly, dingy brown that comes with melting snow, but that 50 degrees and the beams of sunlight creeping through the clouds brought you such comfort. You sat contentedly in your stroller soaking in the warmth of the air. It was though you too experienced the inner joy and anticipation of the breaking winter months and glimpses of sunnier days to come.

Not surprisingly, this month you are more of an independent kid than ever before. It’s been a month of drawing, and using the washcloth to scrub yourself down in the tub, and brushing your own teeth, and feeding the dogs, and adeptly using your fork and spoon, and reading your books, and playing make believe with your stuffed animals, and warming up to the notion of a life sans diapers, and finding the language to describe these actions and make requests to perform each one. It’s meant that there have been far more tears of disappointment and frustration when your demands are not accommodated by mommy or daddy, but I guess that’s part of becoming aware of your own autonomy. The sad reality of this independence is that you are not yet old enough to completely function without the help of your parents.

I know it’s infuriating to not get your way 24/7. Welcome to Life 101, kid. Just wait until you’re a big sister.

Despite all the times when I’ve found myself totally caught off guard by your grown up looks and facial expressions, the way you hold your crayons and the way you tuck your Lavender in for night night, the awareness in your eyes and the thoughtfulness in the tilt of your head, I also catch glimpses of my precious infant that I cradled not so long ago.

When your hair is hidden under your hat, or I have you swaddled in a towel, or in the dim light of the early morning while comforting you when sick, I see the outlines and profile of that sweet baby girl that changed my life 21 months ago. And my throat burns with nostalgia.

While sick, Daddy pulled you into our bed and you screamed and cried when I tried to wrap you in my arms. You wanted your Daddy. And I get it. Your Daddy is your most favorite person on Planet Earth right now. He’s the person that spends the most time with you, and because of this, you trust him and have a comfort with him that is rivaled by no one. While it can sting, I get it. And know that this is a consequence of my working. Sometimes, even when I’m the one already at your service, you want Daddy’s help. You reach out of my arms for him. And you cry out for him in the middle of the night.

However, that night that you were sick, and you screamed for Daddy over Mommy, Daddy lay you down on his chest to quell your stress, and once you’d settled down, you reached out and grabbed my index finger, and you held on as you drifted off to sleep.

That was just the reminder that Mommy needed.

We are forever connected, my love. Whether through my index finger, or those months that I carried you with me, or the hours that add up to days that we spent connected through your need for nourishment and my maternal love, we are connected. And I will always always always be but an index finger away.

Happy 21 Months.

143 Mama

Annoyance.

It’s more than annoyance. It’s outrage. And disbelief. The direction that this country is going continues to astound and dishearten me.

Women have a right to decide what is best for their bodies. No lawmakers have a right to do that on their behalf. People have a right to family planning, to make decisions for themselves and their families, and no one but the people within that family should be dictating the terms of that planning.

To cut funding to an organization that supports women’s health is outrageous, and quite frankly, a waste of time in the face of far more pressing issues like say, this economy and the unemployment rate.

Every person has the right to choose what is right for them. Today, I am sad for my daughter and her generation of women that are growing up in a country that politicizes breastfeeding and endorses a bill that “sends an unmistakable message to American women that they don’t matter.“

Month 3

Renew Long-Sleeve Raw Edge Tee and Agility Pant by be present

This month has been what one might refer to as a “doozey.” Between the constant exhaustion due to that stupid piece of anatomy called a thyroid not working properly, our first run in with an ear infection, a now sick pregnant mommy, and a dash of family drama, I’m more than happy to wave bye-bye to my first trimester and welcome in the second.

See ya later, nausea. I will not miss you. No, not in the least.

While processing these photos, I noted a number of things:

1. I look like the shaggy dog in desperate need of some sun. I promise to have trimmed bangs and fresh highlights by the time Month 4 rolls around.

2. I have put on noticeably more weight in the belly this month, largely due to the slowed metabolism (DAMN YOU, THYROID!) and, ya know, random cravings for Sour Patch Kids or Cadbury Creme Eggs while strolling the grocery aisles. Typically, I’m not much of a candy person, but hot dang, the Sesame Seed has needs of the sugary variety. Sadly, the belly is not yet in the cute-obviously-pregnant stage, but rather in the did-she-just-consume-an-entire-pizza-and-pitcher-of-beer stage? I may have done the former, but sadly the later part of that question won’t happen for some months to come.

3. Give me 2 months and I will even more strongly resemble that dancing elephant on the back of my tee. The ladies in my weekly Zumba class will be able to attest to this fact for you all.

4. I’m still thoroughly enjoying the appearance of my butt in the be present pants.

5. While my belly has grown, so have my boobs. There’s a plus side (literally) to all this biological nonsense.

6. The “heart” that I am making on my belly in the top photo looks more like an upside down triangle (aka vagina symbol) this month than in the past two. Same idea, right?

7. I love the outtake photos perhaps more than the posed. I get so self-conscious in front of the camera (who doesn’t?) and find that when I’m least aware, I look the most like me.

While it’s been a hard month, I lay in the tub last night (yes, a tepid and dissatisfying one but a bath nonetheless) forcing myself to release all of the stress, both physical and emotional, from the past week. I needed to just breathe and let go of all the petty stuff that builds and cripples me with stress and upset. I found myself apologizing to the Sesame Seed and bonding with that little beating heart in my womb.

Yes, that sentence was dripping in maternal sentimentality, but it’s the truth, and worth saying.

I’m so looking forward to the 2nd trimester, when I’ll feel and look my best during the pregnancy. Plus, it shall be paired with the warming weather and melting snow, which means I’ll be able to resume my regular walking schedule and get my butt out of the gym and into the sun more frequently.

All good things.

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* Do you want to win the wonderfully accommodating and comfy Agility Pant that I’m wearing?!? Of course you do! Jump on over to Green Eyed Monster to enter!

**Photos: Courtesy of Kate Drew Miller Photography
As always, I cannot thank Kate enough for taking on this project with me. She rocks. Truly.

***Clothes: Courtesy of be present
Please, head on over to Facebook and ‘like’ the heck out of this awesome company. And if you’re on Twitter, why don’t you give ‘em a follow? And you can check out their whole line and subscribe to their newsletter by heading over to www.bepresent.com.

**** Click to see Month 1, Month 2, and deats on my partnership with be present.