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To My Precious One-Year Old,

When I was 22 years old I was informed that my ability to have children was limited, at best.

In the mind of an early-20-something that read as, “You are a biological failure and disgrace to the female sex, and you shall never bear children.”

It was a less than awesome.

Daddy and I were just dating at the time. I had known for awhile that we were in it for the long haul, but I’d also known, since about 2 weeks into dating Daddy, that he wanted to be a father more than anything in the world. Having children was an absolute must on his life list. So this news could have been a deal breaker.

I told him what the doctor had discovered. And his response:

There are many ways to have children and be a family. All that matters is that you and I are parents. Together.

And, stick a fork in me, I was done. I would have married him right then and there – although your Momar would have been less than pleased by an elopement in the bowels of that college dorm apartment where I was living/working at the time.

Daddy and I were engaged in the summer of 2007 and had 14-months to plan our wedding, as we wanted the date to fall exactly on our five-year anniversary in September of 2008. We were living in California, and I was taking care of a 4-month old baby boy to help with finances while Kimmy and I started up Green Eyed Monster. After 8-months of becoming a part of this family’s life and caring for baby Cash, it dawned on me one day that I could do this. Yes, I, at age 24, could be a mother. A damn good one.

You see, I had always envisioned having children in my 30s; after graduate school and “establishing my career” (whatever the HELL that means), just like Momar and Doda. Daddy, however, was born when Ghillie and Ranger were in their early 20s, and had always wanted to be a young parent. I never understood the urge, as I was so hung up on the finances, and instability of young parenthood.

But when I was told that my chances of biologically having my own children were better the younger I tried, that changed things. A lot.

While I have been and will always be completely open to adoption, part of what made womanhood and being female so profound and amazing to me was the opportunity to be pregnant. To conceive and bear life. That was an experience I did not want to miss.

Especially if what was holding me back were immature and silly excuses.

I came home one day and told Daddy that I didn’t want to risk NOT being a mother because I was scared. And that taking care of Cash had proved that I could do this. I was ready.

We agreed to not stress or “try” to have children (as *they* say that that kind of pressure can actually work against a couple). We were going to see what happened, and if by the time I was done with my Master’s degree I had not become pregnant, we would talk to a fertility specialist.

Five days after our wedding in the Berkshires, I peed on a stick. And you entered our lives.

Talk about the most intense, emotional, unbelievable week-to-date.

You had been with Mommy and Daddy as we said our vows on top of that mountain, you, my little three week old peanut.

There is nothing that could have made that day more magical and incredible than that news.

People thought we were crazy to have a baby during our 1st year of marriage. Didn’t we want to *enjoy* married life?!

See, the thing is, YOU have made every moment of every day since that blue line on a stick more enjoyable. More meaningful. And more worth living.

The first time her laughter unfurled its wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same.

Daddy and I were let in on a secret when you entered the world – a secret that all parents share. I cannot put it to words – that palpable shift I feel in my gut – but you changed everything. My whole perspective re-focused the moment you entered the frame. I can barely imagine my life before you. It seems distant. And vapid. And well, boring.

There are lives I can imagine without children but none of them have the same laughter & noise.

You have turned our worlds upside down and brought us more joy than I could have ever imagined. Daddy and I have grown closer by your presence. By seeing each other reflected in you and your beaming personality. I feel no yearning or nostalgia for my former life, as you and your constant and rapid growth keep my head turned forward. In one year, you have made all the difference. You have made a family.

Happy Birthday, little girl. We love you more than could ever be put to words.

I sometimes wake in the early morning & listen to the soft breathing of my child & I think to myself, this is one thing I will never regret & I carry that quiet with me all day long.

143 Mama