I’ll spare you. Because I am such a kind kind considerate human being.

by Ashley Weeks Cart

So my dad’s in town. And the Bug’s on another poop-strike. (Shocking, I know)

Hoarder. Hoarder. Hoarder. HOARDER!

It’s been yet another 9 days since we’ve had a rumbling, but now that she’s on solid food, the doctor is not so thrilled about this stopped up system.

Living terd!

I haven’t been terribly concerned given that this seems to be a pattern. Slow-Bowels-McGee.  And, approximately 1% of the food we feed her actually makes it into her system. Have you seen us try to feed her peas? But I’ve been spiking her cereal with prune juice, just to try and move things along.

Today, I headed off to class and my father offered to babysit. (He was indeed aware of the stopped up bazooka but had flown all the way cross country so really what options did he have). He put bets on the fact that she would erupt within moments of my departure. And if only he’d put money down, oh he would be a filthy rich bastard. Sure enough, mid-class, an email pops onto my iPhone that reads: The BIG One! During break I open this email and SWEET MOTHER OF GOD. My father has photographed the poop. The 9 days of built up feces. He photographed that shit (pun intended) in all of its slimy, explosive glory. And sent it. To my phone.

Thanks dad, for that precious, vivid memory.

Not only that. He also sent it to James with the subject line: Eaten lunch yet? And James, the unsuspecting fool that he is, opened it thinking that my dad was offering to meet him for lunch. Poor poor man.

AND THEN, he passed it along to my mother. His darling wife and partner of almost 35 years with the subject line: Wish you were here.

I guess this was his revenge for having to spend the morning up to his elbows in baby poo. GREEN PEAS baby poo.

And I will spare you all and not attach that image. I do not want to scar all of my child free friends for fear that I will remain the only mother in the crowd for eternity. And for my fellow parents, it’s nothing that you haven’t seen before.

Let’s all just revel in this highly deceptive cute little face. Free from the smears and stains of feces.

Lovely.

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