Hosed.
by Ashley Weeks Cart
The Bug and I have been reveling in life sans SUPER NIPPLE! Breastfeeding in public is a breeze. Nighttime feedings far smoother. And my sleep-deprived mind has to keep track of one less thing. Generally speaking, life with natural nips rocks.
However, it has had its fair share of surprises as well.
Take today, for example. The little one was nursing while I was on the phone chatting with my mother. The sound of my voice while the Bug is on boob tends to distract her, thus causing her to peel off the nipple and gaze at me wild eyed all, How dare you interrupt my feeding with that abrasive expression.
Per usual, when I opened my mouth to respond, Sunny abruptly broke the latch and I immediately felt a stream of liquid pooling in my lap. Surprised, given that I no longer have to contend with the fill of the nipple shield, I looked down to see in horror that milk was squirting, nay spraying, nay HOSING the Bug IN THE FACE with the force of a Super Soaker. Literally, liquid shooting horizontally out of the nipple into my child’s eyeballs. Who knew that my tits packed so much punch! She was squinting and flinching and desperately trying to avert the path of the liquid expulsion while I starred in horror at yet one more shocking biological capability of my lactating body.
Yet another party trick I’spose. Oh, you can juggle candlesticks? Do a back flip? Well, I can win a squirt gun fight with my BOOBS! Top that, bitches!
The upside of this little event is that my pal, Jo, filled me in on the following:
How fortuitous! The Bug just so happens to have conjunctivitis, and we’ve been seriously struggling to get the necessary drops in her I-B-O-L-S. Clearly, this is just a stunning example of my maternal instincts kicking into high gear to remedy the problem.
*snort*
Good thing she has her surfboard playmat to keep her afloat in the event of any future milky floods.
And for the rest of you, please obey the law and park at least ten feet from the hydrant. You’ve been warned.